#2 – The Pregnancy Rules (that are not made for breaking)

Turns out, when you’re pregnant, there’s a lot of DO’s and bloody DON’T’s when it comes to your life (that you’re now sharing with a miniature hitchhiker quietly coasting along in your womb.)

I can deal with the DO’s;

  • Take a folic acid. TICK (I’m actually taking a multivitamin so I’m super fucking topped up!)
  • Eat for two. Ok I may be buying into an old tale but I like it, it feels good, so for now, DO it (within reason, obvs).
  • Take naps. Yes yes yes yes YES! I live for naps. I need no excuse.
  • Seems a little drastic, the little unborn is barely the size of an apple seed so I don’t think there’s much chance of it getting fat… Oh, for me you say? Well sure, I could probably benefit from a few squats. Note: sit-ups are not advised, I think they must squish the little skittle or something.
  • Eat Citrus Fruits. High in Vit C Folic Acid. Winner, I love fruit. Especially the sorbet variety.
  • Eat Garlic. in small amounts it has lots of advantages. Plus, what with this life goal unlocked, you haven’t got to worry about bad breath for a while.

It’s really the SODDING “DONT’S” I take issue with. I mean, if you’ve planned your pregnancy then I’m sure you were ready get-set go and happy to alter your day to day to make sure your forming the most perfect little human you can. But what about the unsuspecting, date miscalculating, shocked to shit rest of us all!? I feel like I’ve been put on detention from fun life and given a 9-month probation.

Lets start with the reeeeeally obvious DON’T’s, for all those under-rock inhabitants 😉

  • DON’T drink too much caffeine. Meh. This is a shitty rule. But I’m actually miraculously surviving with out my 5-a-day tea habit.
  • DON’T drink alcohol. Apparently a cautious 2 units a week are OK after the “12 week sigh of relief”. But for now, we’re T-total. And it Total-Sucks. Especially when you’ve not told people yet and they’re all chugging fancy red wine around you and commenting on how delicious it is. Well, you all look really fucking stupid with your wine stained lips. So there.
  • DON’T smoke. I didn’t before, so easy to not do it now!!      Yes.     Win.
  • DON’T eat undercooked food. I mean this should be a general rule when it comes to meat (what are you a fucking Lion?). And I’m afraid Sushi is a luxury you can’t afford now you’re up the duff (Jeesh, was it even affordable before?). But, if you’re like me and are a veggie, the problem comes more in the form of unpasteurized cheeses and eggs (although, yuk, ever since someone told me they’re literally chicken periods I just can’t). So say goodbye to the Brie, the Camembert, the mouldy green one. We can still eat cheddar though right?… RIGHT??… (Update. Cheddar is safe. Massive PHEW.)

The next few DONT’S come with some kind of caviacs;

  • DON’T dye your hair. At least not for the first 12 weeks. Apparently there’s some weird shit that goes on in the first 12 weeks to your hormones and crap so you shouldn’t use strong chemicals on any part of your body (Yeh, you may want to post pone that gel manicure too). And even after the danger period is over, you should still consult the colourist and your doctor to make sure your ok to go dyeing! (Dyeing. Not Dying. The latter would be definitely be harmful). Now, I’m struggling with this one particularly because at the ripe old age of 27 I’ve got more grays than Gandolph. How am I going to survive!?! I’m going to give birth to the youth and he’s going to think he’s been born to a Guiness World Record winner!

To the rescue; L’oreal do these spray colours, which is actually quite a brilliant idea for disguising little bits of roots. But I don’t endorse L’oreal (because I think they’re animal testing shit bags), so go for another brand that do a similar product, like Superdrug Roots Concealer Spray – £4.99. Winner.

  • DON’T eat soy… in large quantities. A little is fine but Soy contains something clever people call Phytohormones which can have adverse affect on hormonal system. So for now, best to stay away. (I’m still seething at not being able to have my Strawberry Alpro Milkshakes. Humph.)
  • DON’T eat mushrooms, unless they’re Button, Oyster or Honey mushrooms. And even then, they have to be cooked. As we all know some mushrooms are poisonous, and you never know. So… I think this goes back to the whole “our bodies being a fucked up mess and not knowing what will piss it off” thing.
  • DON’T eat ginger… in your last few weeks. It can cause the blood to thin. Which can lead to all kinds of upsetting shit in the delivery room. It can however alleviate sickness and the symptoms of nausea in early stages, so for at least the first two Tri’s, crack on.
  • DON’T eat raw sprouts. Because of bacteria that lives inside them that can cause food poisoning… WTF? I know what you’re thinking, “Shit the bed, what the hell am I going to eat now I cant chow down on a big bag of those little hard fucking brain cabbages”… Well don’t panic, fear not, Crisps are perfectly safe.
  • DON’T eat ready to go salads. This almost feels like its there to trick us doesn’t it? You need some lunch on the go and think “I’ll be all healthy and shit and get a salad from the shop” and then the resident doctor in your head slaps you and educates you on some bullshit about bacteria in food that hasn’t been cooked. Fine, I say, I’ll go to Nandos. AGAIN.

Theres probably hundreds more but there you have it, let the fun begin! And although I’ve legitimately read supporting information for each one of these things, I take no responsibility for anyone else’s choices based on what you’ve read, just so you’re aware. I’m no expert so do what you want, you probably will anyway 🙂

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