#1 – My First Five Pregnant Thoughts

My First 5 thoughts when I read I was preggers;

  1. Oh.
  2. Shit.
  3. Fuck.
  4. Crap bags.
  5. Whoops.

Ha! I joke (sort of). But it definitely wasn’t the magical moment I’d always expected. Some people say it’s “the happiest moment in your life”. “You’ll be over joyed!” You should be excited and screaming and crying happy tears… Well I sat on my bed for a full 30 minutes looking at a pregnancy test looking dumb, like someone had in fact just told me “You’re a grown up now”.

It’s not that I wasn’t happy or excited or over joyed, although I definitely wasn’t feeling those things straight away (sue me.), its just that when we’d done our second test and it read positive, I was in a single state of undeniable, silent, overwhelmed shock. It might be the single biggest turning point in a girls life (I’d defy anyone to disagree) and we weren’t planning on having a baby yet, some time, but not right now. So a million things and also nothing went through my mind for a pretty shameful amount of time before I could fathom how much our lives had just changed. Now, I feel guilty about the lack of initial enthusiasm, I mean, it is an amazing thing and I’m actually impressed my body has achieved this little miracle all by itself (Ok, obviously not quite ALL by itself) so why didn’t I feel all teary and overjoyed like you’re supposed to.

The answer? Because you’re not supposed to. I’ve given this a lot of thought now and I’m learning to throw all my social given expectations out the window when it comes to pregnancy. Obviously, if you’ve been trying for a long time and have willed for that big moment, then OF COURSE you’ll be over the moon (and if you are and are reading this, a MASSIVE CONGRATULATIONS!), but the rest of us unsuspecting lot who’s world has just been put in a smoothie maker and left on “Pulse”, think what you want. Because whether you’re happy, sad, excited or horrified… this moment is yours to own. So feel whatever comes and feel it true.

The clouds clear, the pulsing stops and you’ll soon make sense of the situation. But whilst I was sat on my bed, silent and staring into the eyes of my partner lover impregnator, I thought 5 very clear things;

  1. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO?

Believe it or not, this really wasn’t as throw away as when you’ve forgotten something from the shops or when you get a parking ticket, it was a very literal and logical what are we actually going to do in our lives in order to make it baby appropriate? For this to make sense I should brief you on our situation a bit. Bjorn and I are 30 and 27 respectively, engaged, self employed and living with my parents. Now the first 2 bits sound ok right? Age is pretty standard for a couple expecting their first child, and engaged means we’re in love and committed. Hello right track!

It’s the latter two that was causing the swearing. How on this earth do you have a baby when you’re self employed!? Is it too late for me to get a “proper” job?? Oh god. If I’m really quick I could be just in time to get a gig at Greggs and claim maternity leave whilst convincing them I didn’t know I was pregnant!

I’m an actor, just. If I was anymore “resting” I’d be in a coma. Yes work has been slow of late but there are projects on the horizon… although thinking about their expected production dates now is somewhat adding to my panic. I top up my income with some other work; modeling, event hosting, PA’ing etc. And with fittings modeling (which is basically where you model for a brand in house to help them correctly measure a garment before it goes into mass production) which obviously is going to fall by the way side as soon as my boobs inflate and my stomach balloons! Waaaahhhh goodbye size 10, hello baggy pants and soft cup bras!

So you see, what am I going to do? With myself? With my body? For money? For sanity?

Bjorn is a freelance photographer, director and music manager, so while his prospects are much broader than mine because he’s fingering many more pies, I could see the question stirring in his eyes too.We’re both thinking the same thing. We don’t bring home enough money to have savings at the moment, LET ALONE start a human!

Aside from our lack of finances there’s that final problem, we live with my parents. And ok, this is whilst we wait for a house to be renovated that we’re going to rent cheaply… we don’t know when that will be and the properties owners want to rent out the second bedroom. How am I going to explain to them that the lodger they’re banking on is actually going to be a crying, stinking, screaming bi-product of me? Surely they won’t expect the little sprout to start paying rent STRAIGHT away??… And there it goes again, what the fuck are we going to do?

  1. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Oh please, I know HOW! I’m not silly or talking about the “when a man loves a lady” role-play that we learn in school, I understand all that (although the science still kind of blows my mind). I mean how did it happen to me? If you are planning it or doing the sexy deed on your ovulation day then I get it, but I was tracking my cycles and actively avoiding my ovulation days!!

I won’t say what app I was using to track, as this is hardly a good advertisement for them (although you can use a lot of these period trackers to help you conceive) but it’s had me good and un-pregnant for a whole year. And it was really straightforward = We can have sex when there’s no circle around the date, and we can’t have sex when there is a circle around the date. Simples! Right? WRONG. Obviously wrong, because I am quite definitely “Up Zee Duff”. It still mystifies me and makes me skeptical of all “drug free” contraception’s, but there we have it. Preggers.

  1. SO THAT’S WHY MY BOOBS ARE SORE!

Yep. That was the first big give away. A few days of sore boobies has any girl wondering about the possibility, but because of my very careful sex calendar app (see no. 2!) I dusted that off almost immediately. After all, it’s not uncommon for it to happen when you’re due on your period so I put it down to the joys of womanhood. And I guess it was, just in a very different way than I was thinking! Ultimately the soreness disappeared after a few days and I forgot about it; until my period was a bit late, and then really late, and then rude late without even a text!… The next thing you know you’re sitting alone at a table drinking your third coffee wondering why you’re friends in the first place.

  1. THE TIMING COULD BE BETTER.

So as I briefly touched on, our situation wasn’t exactly “ready”, but now everyone says, “You’re never ready” and “You just do it!” which is kind of reaffirming (and widely quite irresponsible but OK guys). I guess I always just imagined being a bit more settled before we had a baby; settled in a home, settled in a steady-ish income, and settled in our lives. I mean, I still long to travel, maybe even live abroad, and I have so many things I want to achieve professionally, can I really see myself doing that with a baby? Well actually yes, but I am known to be naïve sometimes. In the short term there are projects I want to complete; as in films that I’m cast in that I can’t exactly pull off when pregnant, so how am I going to let those go when I’ve worked so hard towards them? On a more personal note, my family tragically lost possibly the most awesome of all our members the very same week we must have conceived (spooky huh) so although “with death comes new life” definitely feels appropriate here, I’m still so, so sad.

  1. WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

Well, this is where it gets cute. Because after the dust had settled and the shock subsides, what we were left with was pure excitement and awe. And then begins the fun! When do we start telling everyone? Will it be a boy or a girl? When can we start buying cute clothes? How on earth will we decide what to call it? Will it be a big baby? (You might think that’s random but with my birth weight being 9.8lbs and Bjorn being a whopping 12.4lbs… it was on my mind straight away!).

On the literal front, we did one more test (3 in total) the next day to make 100% sure and then I got straight online to see what the advice was. Immediately found out about taking folic acid and cutting alcohol, smoking and the other obvious bad stuff! A few days later I made an appointment at the doctors, which was relatively underwhelming as they just ask you a few questions and then refer you to a hospital for your booking appointment, which is where you’re asked a ton more questions and asked to pee in a pot! It really is all fun and games. It was also at this point the midwife asked if Bjorn was the father… IN FRONT of Bjorn. Whilst thinking about all the ways this could have been awkward, I was tempted to say no, but I laughed and confidently said “Yes”… Then shot her a wink and a shh face.

Now, if you’re anything like me you’ll also be straight on Pintrest making boards of pregnancy health, cute baby photos, funny baby photos, funny baby fashion (costumes) and cool maternity fashion. Private boards mind, can’t have anyone clocking on to our little secret just yet 😉

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